"Setting Boundaries is Selfish". NOPE.
“Setting boundaries is selfish.”
When I started setting boundaries 16 years ago (yes, I actually remember the year I got wise about it!), I was met with some judgment, frustration and anger.
For some people, the idea of losing their power over you will cause them to do or say almost anything to keep you under their control. Others simply equate self-care as selfish. If you’re a naturally generous person, you might find it hard to create or enforce boundaries - maybe you fear being judged as selfish, cold or bitchy.
Truth? Setting boundaries is one of the most generous and compassionate things you can do for other people. But mostly for yourself. By not taking care of yourself, you may start feeling burnt out, lonely, disconnected, judgmental or angry. It can also lead to resentment.
Boundaries = YES or NO
Think of a time when you said YES to a commitment (maybe at work, with family, volunteering, etc) but deep down you wanted to say NO. Did you have feelings of resentment or bitterness? Who is to blame? The person who asked you for your help? Nope. It’s you, friend.
If you don’t have boundaries, if you don’t learn to say “No, I can’t right now, but ask me next time” or “No, that’s not a good fit for me” or “I can’t do ____, but I am willing to _____” or “No, I am not comfortable with that” then you will suffer the consequences at some point.
YOU are setting the BOUNDARY. If you’re being clear and honest, then you are eliminating the possibility to feel resentful or overwhelmed.
During my class on setting boundaries, I’ll introduce exercises and tools for you to use and I’ll help you set mental boundaries, something that has been more powerful than any boundary I’ve ever set before. It has brought peace and clarity (and helped me go to sleep within minutes) when I lay awake worrying about something or someone. I took the power away from the thought (the toxic energy of the thoughts)- and set a boundary. I get chills just thinking about how it has changed my life. Now I give energy to things that really matter to me, things that are important.
Xo, @kymventola .